Since I could remember, I have always been a dreamer. I've always dreamt of finishing school, going to varsity, working for myself, finding that perfect man, getting married and living my own happily ever after. I still do. Except now, the setbacks of reality had begun kicking in. What no one tells you in high school, is that outside those walls of a lifetime of spoonfeeding, it's a whole lot harder. After the unexpected death of my father in 2006, I've seen myself take a downward spiral into lonliness and nowhere. Although I was still in high school, (Grade 9 that year), it felt like a safe haven for my tormented soul. I was bingeing, self mutilating and writing, all to ease the pain. Even that didn't feel like it was enough. I always wondered if ever I was successful in my suicide attempts, would God have maybe spared me my life and given me a second chance? I despised people who would commit suicide as I felt they were cowards, killing themselves to escape their own problems, as if to say it'll go away. I was quick to judge then. But after Matric after reality struck me like a ton of bricks, I had no idea how I was going to survive anything. That "gap year" I took was not successful. I always knew what I wanted way before I finished high school. That was just to reaffirm my disappointment. 2010, wasn't starting out too well for me. I'd then decided to make use of the unwanted free time I had and visit my older brother up in Mafikeng. I was from Bloemfontein. A week before the decision, I'd had an argument with my mother, relating to my interests to further my education. She flat out refused. I then took the strongest pills we had at home, and just my luck, there were only 6 of these "strong pills" left. This wasn't going to do me any good, I thought, as I down them in a go. NOTHING HAPPENED. The only damage 6 pills managed to make was mere dizzyness and a loss of appetite. Great. My attempt at landing myself in hospital had failed. Dismally. I guess I ought to try again next time. The next week, my twin brother and older brother were on their way to fetch me. Finally. Mafikeng here I come. Away from my nagging mother. Away from all my troubles that started with my mother. Just me and my brothers. I was just happy to be away from it all. I was new to this place and after the 7 (or was it 8) hours drive from home to Mafikeng, I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was take a bath, change and get a good night's rest. But my twin brother had other plans. "Sego, wake up", he said, continously shaking my body. In my stupor of slumber, I managed to pop an eye open. "Keng, Lesego?!" I said. "Bona, there's this girl I want you to meet", he replied. Oh great. He woke me up just for "a girl". I managed to mumble an "okay" and returned to dreamland. My name is Masego and this is the story of the day I died.